Riders on the storm……… riders on the storm, into this house we’re born, into this world we’re thrown. So sang Jim Morrison of the Doors in 1971. Soon after, he was dead- thus becoming one of the ’27 club.’ And so it came to pass that on Sunday 15th November, as Storm Abigail blew herself out and threatened to flood the whole of the UK, if the BBC weather forecast was to be believed, twenty Horse Riders of the Apocalypse from Wirral’s Under 13’s set off for Sandbach RUFC. None of them actually had a horse to ride on and they all took the safer option of grabbing a lift with their parents and friends’ parents.
Sandbach is a jolly fine place located about 100 miles down the M6 (it felt like a 100 miles) and located about six miles from Crewe. In the 17th and 18th centuries it was known as ‘Sandbitch’ which is as good a reason as any to change a name. Since the name change, it has become more popular so that nowadays just shy of 18,000 folk live there. About the same as Nantwich. They used to build Foden and ERF trucks there until they were bought out and shut down, with production moving elsewhere. Mr Cottier was keen to point out that this was ‘just typical of Tory policy and, once again, it was another classic example of how they can turn an industrial heartland into an economic black hole.’ To add insult to injury, they had demolished the Foden family home to build council offices.
The local MP is Fiona Bruce- not the Fiona Bruce from the News and Antiques Roadshow but this one is a lawyer and a Tory. Mr Cottier was suddenly struck down with an attack of vomiting. Former demolition man, Derek ‘Blaster’ Bates who lived there until his death in 2006, described Sandbach as the ‘sump’ of Cheshire.
Such is the draw of Wirral’s under 13’s, the International Space Station had positioned itself overhead and was beaming pictures direct to the nearby Jodrell Bank Observatory where the staff abandoned looking out for Earth-threatening asteroids in favour of watching our game.
Jurgan Tinlegs Klopp put the players through their warm-up routines and Coach Shaun Seddon just hoped it wouldn’t rain as he finalised his team selection. He entrusted his all-important book of coaching notes to Mr Graham who promptly showed everybody its pretty flowery paper and its blank pages. You can’t trust anybody, can you?
So thrilled was Mrs Graham about being mistakenly taken for the wife of Wirral’s Mr Darcy- like match reporter that she had taken to her bed in such a ‘perfect swoon’ that no amount of coaxing could shift her from under the duvet.
Our match referee introduced himself and had a chat with the players about various aspects of play. Wirral’s captain for the day was Christie Cottier after last weekend’s Sam Warburton like performance at flanker. He was introduced to Sandbach’s captain and Christie did the decent thing and let the home captain win the toss.
Today we were going to play four quarters of fifteen minutes so that everybody could get plenty of rugby. Mrs Seddon was relieved that Sandbach looked much more normal than last week’s team of giants from nearby Crewe and Nantwich.
At the allotted time, Paul, our referee, blew his whistle and Sandbach kicked off with the wind behind them. Wirral’s mums and dads roared on their offspring with shouts of encouragement as did the good folk of Sandbach. The kick was claimed by Harry G who set off up the field like a Sherman tank and took the ball into contact. Wirral scrum-half Josh H emerged from the resulting ruck with the ball and, in fact, Wirral managed to hold on to the ball long enough to go through at least half a dozen phases before knocking-on. “We were two scores down at this stage last week” observed Jurgan Tinlegs Klopp.
This first quarter was to ebb and flow back and forth up and down and from left to right, across the pitch, though the home side was dominating territorially. Both sides enjoyed periods of possession which were punctuated with knock-ons, and penalties for holding on, offsides and going in the sides of rucks. When Wirral had the ball, Sandbach tackled like demons and when Sandbach had the ball, there was lots of dogged tackling from the likes of Peter B and Lawrie S, who saved at least one try, but these were eclipsed by an absolute bone-cruncher of a tackle from Joe Fury that resulted in a scrum. Everybody was surprised that the Sandbach boy was able to get up afterwards. But he’d had his three Weetabix that morning and he was able to play on. Wirral won the scrum and the terrier-like Josh H fed Sam D who was able to boot the ball away from danger, except the wind was taking at least 10-15 yards off his kicks. Wirral were able gain valuable yards by having good chasers and with the likes of Decoy and Manu charging at the receiver it sometimes resulted in a fumble.
But as I said, Sandbach were dominating territory and most of the play was in the Wirral half. More courageous tackling from the likes of Josh C and Ben S and Caleb M-S were breaking up the home side’s relentless attacks. But they kept on coming. One attack was broken up by another superb tackle by Lawrie S but Sandbach switched play to the other wing where, despite another Peter B tackle they were able reclaim the ball from the ruck to run the ball in for a try from one of the smallest players on the field. Actually, he looked pretty quick. The conversion was missed.
“This time last week, we were four scores down” commented Mr Graham who at last was at a game where he could keep up with the scoring.
The strength of Abigail’s wind was demonstrated perfectly when Sam’s restart kick went forwards thirty yards before being blown back at least ten. Sandbach were able to claim the bouncing ball and set off down the pitch. There then followed a succession of scrums and lineouts with more dogged defence from the visitors. In the end we had one knock-on too many and the referee was able to blow his whistle.
Score at end of first quarter: Sandbach - 5 Wirral - 0.
The second quarter saw Wirral kicking off with the wind behind them. Sam D sent his kick deep into Sandbach territory and now it was the home team’s turn to have to defend against attack after attack from Wirral. It was relentless as Wirral’s forwards piled into them, urged on by their visiting fans. Captain Christie C was doing what Chris Robshaw should have been doing in a recent conflict and, along with Max C, was creating all manner of carnage at the breakdown. Wave after wave of attack had been repulsed until Joe Wood saw a gap and charged through with defenders hanging off him, he was able to cross the line for a score. Sadly, Sam D’s kick was affected too much by Abigail’s wind.
Pandemonium broke out on the touchline as Wirral’s parents and coaches celebrated the moment. Mrs Myers-Shone had been observed through the match shuffling about in a state of great excitement and by now she had reached fever pitch. She had been watching the game while listening to her audio book through her earpiece. Back at Jodrell Bank they were picking up the signal and had worked out exactly what she was listening to.

Meanwhile back on the pitch, Sandbach were fighting back and taking the play into Wirral’s half but a penalty gave Sam D the opportunity to clear from inside his own 22. The wind took the ball right down the pitch where the home full-back won the foot race to retrieve the ball but as soon as he picked it up he was smashed simultaneously by the combined mass of Lawrie S, Tom Decoy and Max C, which propelled both him and the ball into touch. Wirral lineout on the 5 metre line. Physics master, Mr Decoy Snr, was able to explain that this was the same principal as that used in the Hadron Collider where they tried to make all those little Higgs boson particles. “That’s cobblers” commented Mrs Myers-Shone dreamily. She was miles away with Mr Grey.
At the line-out, Sandbach were saved by the referee’s whistle for a knock-on that nobody saw. A good spot, that! The home side were able to win their own scrum and then clear their lines. The play was worked back into the Wirral half and, as the visitors piled too many players into the rucks, Sandbach were able to shift the ball wide and score in the corner. Abigail’s windy blasts ensured that the conversion attempt finished further away from the posts than the kicking tee.
From the restart, Sam D put the home side back on the back foot, deep inside their own 22. Wirral were able to claim the ball and after a few phases, Joe Wood came charging through like an untamed wildebeest to score another try. This time Sam D planted the ball majestically between the uprights. Pretty soon after, Paul the Ref blew his whistle to close the second quarter.
Score for the 2nd quarter: Sandbach - 5 Wirral - 12.
The third quarter began with the referee’s whistle being blown and the home side kicking the ball to the visitors. Wirral held on and advanced up the pitch. The visitors had advanced into the home 22 and were going through the phases trying to work an opening. Play was stopped, for some reason, but Tom Pryce, who had been playing a blinder at full-back, emerged from a ruck clutching his throat. No one had seen a high tackle or a garrotting but it seems someone had trodden on his throat in a ruck. Struggling to breathe or talk and barely able to swallow two paracetamol, Tom’s contribution to the game was over. An ambulance was summoned to take the wounded soldier to Leighton Hospital but they sent a man in a fast car and in the end his dad drove him to Arrowe Park.
“This is a perfect illustration of how Tory penny-pinching policies are damaging the ambulance service in this country” observed Mrs Cottier candidly. Husband, Mr Cottier nodded approvingly. “Five more years of this lot and there won’t be an NHS.”
As for what happened in the rest of this quarter, I have absolutely no idea. Mr Graham was able to inform me that one of the home players had scored with a Chris Ashton-like dive that had been converted.
Score at the end of the 3rd quarter: Sandbach - 7 Wirral – 0.
The final quarter began just like the previous three with a blast on Paul the Ref’s whistle and Sam D kicked deep into the home team’s 22, hitting one of their players as it careered, Abigail assisted, into touch. Lineout to Wirral on the five meter line. By now Jacob was on at scrum-half and he began to dictate the play, George Gregan-like. Likewise Kai C had come on in the scrum and was causing the opposition all sorts of problems, as indeed was Ollie Price in the backs. From this brilliant position Wirral reclaimed the ball and passed it in-field. A few phases later and the stellar Joe Wood came charging though again. This time he passed to Harry ‘H’ who piled through the defence like a buffalo with its tail on fire to score. Sam D added to his kicking ‘masterclass’ with the extras. “This boy’s going to play for the firsts!” proclaimed an ebullient Jurgan Tinlegs.
From the restart, Wirral claimed the ball and charged back into Sandbach territory, aided in no small part by Rhys G who had come on at full-back. After receiving a pass and holding on to it, he charged the defensive line and leaped into contact flattening a boy twice height.
Come on, boys, get into them!” yelled Hannah the Boss encouragingly.
Wirral’s forwards, who were having a field day, took the ball deeper into the home 22 and got to the try line, except the ball was ripped and as it bobbled around in the end zone, it was a Sandbach hand that dabbed it down. From the 22 meter drop-out there followed a sequence of events that had both sets of coaches and parents along with everybody on board the International Space Station and those at Jodrell Bank along with, no doubt, the people at GCHQ and Mission Control in Houston scratching their heads and reaching for the book on laws of the game. While Wirral’s players trudged back from the try line, the Sandbach player took the drop-out quickly and chased his own kick. He kicked it on and kicked it again and again and again, ‘tacking’ across the pitch in a sudden switch to Association Football rules. As he got into the visitor’s 22 he was superbly tackled by Max C, except he was still playing football. Paul the Ref saw this ‘tackling a player without the ball’ as a professional foul and awarded a penalty try. Lucky to escape a yellow card, perhaps? Even Abigail’s wind couldn’t prevent the extras. Sandbach were back in the lead and time was running out.
Sam D’s kick was again good and after more pressure from the visitors, when a try looked imminent, Wirral lost it and Sandbach were able to break out of their own 22, except that their player was using his knee as a weapon against would-be tacklers. The ref spotted it and this time a player did go to the bin.
Now it was attack, attack, attack to get a score. Wirral appeared to have blown it when a scrum was awarded to the home side, but soon after, Wirral stole it and, as the clock went red, Manu went charging through like a scalded bull for that vital score. Sam D maintained a cool head and slotted the conversion. Then, Paul the Ref blew his whistle and brought the game to an end.
Score at end of 4th quarter: Sandbach – 7 Wirral - 14.
Then there was time for the customary shaking of hands, hip hip hurray-ing and making of tunnels.
Overall Final Score: Sandbach – 24 Wirral – 26.
So, in a game where both teams turned up to provide a ‘thriller,’ Wirral had come out on top to win by two points. With four tries apiece, it came down to a conversion as the difference. All quarters were won by the team with Abigail at their backs. I thought it was just Hurricanes that got names. Next time, we’ll have ‘off-shore breeze Ethel’ dictating the play? Everybody put in a shift today from the old hands to the new boys like Kai, Lawrie and Ollie.
Well done and thanks to Sandbach our hosts and to Paul the Ref.
For his two tries and all round hard work and determination, Wirral’s man of the match was Joe Wood. Such a shame that Mrs Wood, who we know prefers her games to be tight, should miss this one as well as missing her son’s stellar performance.
After the game, it was time for a drink. They had Wainwright’s in the pumps.
Next week: training.
Nos da!
Ash.